Friday, June 08, 2012

from a to z

life is tough. ask those who know. ask those who have a better life than they dreamed. ask those who know what falling out is. falling out from where you thought you wanted to be to where you are. even if the latter is higher. because right then that nagging sensation of being an under achiever touches you. that feeling of over performing and getting what anyone else in your place would love to have. but what one loves to have really, is what we really wanted five years ago. or maybe ten. in case they being different, five years ago. me, knew neither. i knew what everyone wanted off me and managed it rather easily. whether they underestimated me or whether i got it easy being a different thing altogether. so what i personally believe, to be the toughest part of life, is living with your decision. a decision that cost you something. in my case, my heart. baah humbug. someday i will get it back. but till then its going to be a monotone of sad stories and an unfathomable love. aah yes, call it the art of being foolish and considering oneself noble, call it being a coward or call it being plain understanding of what your love interest needs, its not comforting either way. what you eventually realize, is that you in the obscene meaning of the phrase, fucked up. you end up not really sure of whether you lost your heart or donated it. either way i ended up on the road being sheltered by some cars and being knocked over by others. either way, it lies there alone waiting for someone to pick it up. that sucks. not being in control. not being able to help yourself and hurting yourself by doing whatever that can be or may be done. oh yes it sucks bad but pity being, it makes you stronger. everything you endure makes you stronger. then smarter. and eventually wiser. maybe that's what growing up is like. fucking up and correcting your mistakes. committing fewer mistakes compared to last year, but bigger more pronounced mistakes. maybe growing up is all about thoughts and actions. i wouldn't know. haven't really done that yet. don't intend to either. apart from worn out days like these that involve some really nice moments like that bottle of beer with a great friend, its really too much fun. watching the grown ups cry over things that mean hocus pocus to you. maybe they are not the ones who have grown up. maybe their problems only multiplied and they didn't stop complaining. maybe, all growing up is, is acceptance. acceptance of a.b.c and finally z.